Operation: Panty Raid
by Oxymoronic Alliteration
Summary: Tony, Tim, and Jimmy are about to attempt something which no man has ever attempted. The question is, will they survive to tell about it? Hangman prize for Ali!
1. Chapter 1

Tim trekked through the quiet hallway on his way to Tony's apartment. The senior agent had called him the moment Tim had gotten home, telling him he needed to see him in person to talk about an emergency situation. Normally, Tim, tired from a long day of work and looking forward to a nice bubble bath, would have ignored the request. But an urgency in Tony's voice made his reconsider, which was why he was in the hallway of Tony's apartment building and not relaxing in a tub of foamy bubbles.

When he turned the corner, he saw he wasn't the only one whose evening plans had been interrupted.

"Palmer? What are you doing here?"

"Tony called me," Jimmy explained. "Uh, he said it was an emergency."

"Me too," Tim said. "But I figured it had something to do with the team."

"Maybe someone's hurt."

Tim considered the theory, but shook his head. "He'd have just told us that. It must be something pretty important, though."

Jimmy knocked on the door and both men heard hurried footsteps approaching the door from within. The door was flung open, revealing an excited Tony. "Finally! I thought you guys would never get here!" he exclaimed as he pulled them inside and slammed the door closed.

Tim frowned and smoothed down his jacket where Tony had grabbed him. "What's going on, Tony?"

"We have a mission."

"We? Gibbs called this in?"

"This is off the book, Probie."

"Off the book?" Tim asked skeptically. "Is this legal?"

Jimmy tentatively raised his hand. "Uh…I'm not equipped to go on missions…"

"Man up, Palmer! You don't need a gun for this mission."

"Uh, will I be in danger?"

Tony pursed his lips as he mulled over the question. Tim and Jimmy exchanged glances, taking Tony's sudden silence to the question as a bad thing. "Tony…?" Tim asked. "What is this mission exactly?"

"Men…we are going on a mission that all men must go on in their lives."

"Tony! Tell me what this is or I'm out of here."

The older agent grabbed Tim's shoulder and pulled him back. "Hold your horses, McAntsy! I'll give you the low-down."

"So what's the mission?"

Tony looked back and forth between the two of them, a feline grin spreading across his face. "Tonight…we go on a panty raid."

Tim rolled his eyes with a groan as Jimmy furrowed his brow. "A panty raid?" the med student asked. "You mean like stealing underwear from girls?"

"Why am I not surprised?" Tim said. "You call us down here for some stupid thing!"

"Stupid?! Panty raids are _not_ stupid! They are a cornerstone in the development of young boys and men everywhere!"

"Uh, whose panties were you planning to raid?" Jimmy asked.

"I'm glad you asked, Palmer," Tony said as he hooked his arms around the shoulders of Tim and Jimmy. "I have it on very good authority that our very own Officer David will be staying over at the apartment of a certain Goth forensic scientist."

Tim's eyes bulged in their sockets and it took him a moment to find any words to say. "You want to break into Abby's apartment—a girl who can kill you without leave a lick of evidence—and raid her panties along with those of a trained assassin who can make a weapon out of any Office Depot item?" he recited incredulously. "Are you crazy?!?"

"Maybe I am, Timothy," Tony said solemnly, "maybe I am. But if we pull this off, it will go down in history as the greatest panty raid in the history of the world!"

"And if we don't pull it off, it will go down in history as the most painful torture any of us has _ever_ suffered!"

"Come on, McGee! Don't you want to live a little?"

"I want to _live_, DiNozzo," Tim said, "and I don't see that happening if you pull me along in this childish prank."

Tony threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Help me out, Palmer! Don't you want to tell whatever children you may someday spawn that you pulled off one of the greatest panty raids ever?"

"Uh…"

"Darn right you do!" Tony affirmed. "Are we not men?"

"Tony, there is no 'Man's Handbook' that decrees a guy must go on a panty raid to complete manhood."

"Well…it _could_ be fun," Jimmy spoke up softly. Tony and Tim both turned their attention to him, the former with a look of glee and the latter with a look of shock.

"Palmer, you're not serious!"

"Why not, McGee?"

"Did you miss when I mentioned the pain and the assassin and the whole not leaving behind any evidence stuff?" Tim ranted.

"Hey! Don't diss Palmer just because he's got a backbone and you wish you had one," Tony admonished as he chummily slung an arm around Jimmy's shoulder. "We can just go without you. Leave the little mouse behind while the manly men do manly men things."

"I don't see how grabbing girly underwear is manly, DiNozzo."

"Look, McGee, just tell me now," Tony said sternly with the solemnity of a general speaking to his troops, "are you going to take part in a historic panty raid or are you going to go home and sit in a girly bubble bath for the night?"

The young computer geek looked back and forth between Tony and Jimmy, feeling completely defeated. After all, if Jimmy wasn't even going to side with him, how was he supposed to win? As much as he was wary of Tony's sinister plot, he wasn't going to look like a chicken. If anything went hinky, though, he was more than prepared to throw a certain cinema loving playboy under the bus.

"Fine, DiNozzo. But I swear, if this backfires, I will make your life miserable!"

Tony barely acknowledged the threat. Instead, he placed his hand out, nodding to both Tim and Jimmy to do the same. With their hands stacked, Tony announced, "Men…we are about to undertake a mission so dangerous and potentially fatal that one of us may not make it out alive. Yet in this mission, we take a stand for men everywhere. What we do on this night, will forever be remembered and revered. We will go down as legends. And no amount of pain or torture will ever be able to take that away."

The other two men exchanged worried glances, but didn't interrupt.

"And now, let us go forth…and raid some panties!"

* * *

**AN:** This is only three chapters! One per day!


	2. Chapter 2

The hallway was quiet and dark as the trio crept through. The only thing they could hear was the faint sound of an infomercial coming from an apartment a little ways down. The coast was clear. No witnesses in sight.

"I feel like I'm skulking through a haunted house," Tim muttered, bringing up the rear of the group.

"Don't worry," Tony joked, "with your complexion, you'll blend right in with any other ghosts."

Jimmy was situated between the two bickering agents. He was beginning to wonder how good this idea had been. "What's our plan?" he asked in a hushed tone. "I mean for the, uh, panty raid."

"Glad you asked, Palmer. I'll pick the lock…and then you'll go in first."

"M-me!?" he squawked loudly, causing Tony to slap a hand over his mouth. "Why me?" he mumbled through Tony's hand.

"Don't you want the honor of being our front man?"

"Not really. I mean, what if Ziva's up and practicing her knife-throwing?" Jimmy gulped audibly at the thought of Ziva's knife coming in contact with him.

"Tony, this was _your_ idea," Tim pointed out. "You can be the front man."

"Fine," the older man relented. "I guess it only makes sense, seeing as I'm the only one here who's actually _been_ on a panty raid. Not to mention, the only one with a spine," he added under his breath as they reached their destination.

Abby's apartment was very quiet, with no visible light shining through from under the door. Tony carefully pressed an ear against the door. The sound of harsh snoring could be heard inside. "Ziva's asleep."

"She a light sleeper?" Jimmy asked nervously.

"Well, she can sleep through her own snoring, so I wouldn't say so. She does sleep with a gun, though."

"God, I hope she doesn't sleepwalk…or sleepshoot," Tim grumbled.

"Stop whining," Tony ordered as he knelt before the door, extracting picking tools from his pocket.

"Um, how are we going to see?" Jimmy asked. "I mean, we can't really use flashlights…can we?"

"Just take careful steps, Palmer."

"What…what if I trip?"

"Then we'll leave you to take the fall for us and you will be at the mercy of Ziva and Abby."

"…I won't trip."

"Good idea."

Tony heard a satisfying click and stood. He slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open gently. Thankfully, there was no creaking of the bolts as the door opened. He turned and held a finger to his lips, signaling to Jimmy and Tim that it was time to be quiet and set serious. Well, as serious as a person could get when they were on a panty raid. Tony stepped in and waved the other two into the apartment. He closed the door most of the way, leaving it open just a crack, in case they needed to make a quick getaway.

There was enough light coming in from the outside street lamps for the boys to properly assess the apartment. Ziva was in a state of deep sleep on the rather comfortable looking couch. She had a blanket pulled over her body, wrapped around her like a cocoon. She was facing away from them, but her snores were coming through loud and clear. Abby, nowhere to be seen, was presumably in the bedroom.

Tony pulled Jimmy close and whispered, "Take McGee and check Abby's bedroom."

Jimmy nodded, fearing that if he spoke he might wake the dozing assassin. He tapped Tim in the shoulder and gestured to the bedroom. As they crept away, Tony took a look around the living area.

An open bag lay beside the couch. On top were a green shirt and cargo pants. When Tony picked those up, though, he struck gold. "Yes…" he whispered in glee as he lifted the panties up. They were black lace with a silver bow running across the waistband. Very dainty. Very unlike Ziva.

A bit more digging found three more pairs of underwear. The panties ranged in material from lace to silk to cotton. They were warm colors, with hues of pink and red. They were the very epitome of girlyness.

"Oh, man! Wait until McGeek and the Gremlin see this," Tony muttered as he stuffed the panties in his pocket.

Satisfied with his haul, he gave the sleeping woman one more glance before he made his way to the bedroom. The door was already partially open, and when he peeked in he saw Tim and Jimmy already scrounging through a dresser drawer. Abby's coffin was open, revealing the Goth girl asleep, snuggling a skull-shaped pillow against her body.

"Find anything?" he asked in a low voice, causing his cohorts to jump.

"Tony!" Timmy hissed. "Don't scare us like that!"

Jimmy held up a few pairs of underwear—all either black and red or black and pink—and whispered, "We found these so far. We also found an iron chastity belt. Should we take that?"

"Nah, it'll weigh us down," Tony decreed. "Besides, you never know when our Mistress of the Dark might decide to take a vow of abstinence and need her iron belt."

Tim was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, and eyeing Abby's open casket. "Can we go now?"

"Yes, McPartyPooper, we can go," Tony said with a large, cartoonish eyeroll. "We've got more than enough." He nodding toward the door before turning and slowly creeping back across the room.

He probably would have made it if he hadn't tripped over the lid of the casket and landed directly on top of Abby.

The woman screeched loudly when she awoke in the dark to find a man lying on top of her. "Ziva!" she screamed hoarsely.

"Abby!" Tony hissed. "Abby, it's me!" But his protests fell on deaf ears.

"Get off of me, you pervert!" she yelled as she began hitting him with her pillow. "My friend is an assassin! She'll kill you! Ziva!"

The door flew open, hitting the wall with a loud bang. Ziva stood there, wearing only a T-shirt and underwear, with a gun in her hands. It was aimed directly at Tony.

"Hands in the air!" she bellowed.

"Ziva!" Tim called before she could do anything she would regret. "Ziva, it's us! And we're not armed."

She flicked on the light—though she kept the gun trained on the dark-figure—and the five of them blinked and squinted as their eyes adjusted. Ziva looked at the situation and slowly lowered her gun. "Tony? McGee? Jimmy?" she asked, shaking her head. "What are you all doing here?"

Tony extracted himself from Abby and stood up, hands in the air. "Hey…"

"Tony!" Abby scolded as she jumped from her casket. "You almost gave me a heart attack! And why are you guys holding my underwear?"

Jimmy and Tim turned red as they exchanged uncomfortable glances. "Well…uh…" Jimmy stammered.

Ziva's face was red like Tim's and Jimmy's, but for a much different reason.

"Tony! Why are my panties stuffed in your pockets!?"

"It was his idea!" Tim blurted out, pointing to Tony.

"McGeek!"

"Shut up, Tony! This is all your fault anyway!"

Abby crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes, fixing each man with a stare. "So you guys just decided it would be fun to break into my apartment and steal mine and Ziva's panties? Is that what this is?"

They all nodded mutely.

"Are you going to hurt us?" Jimmy asked in a small voice.

The two women shared a glance. Abby's face morphed into a smile. "You," she said to the three men, "stay here. Ziva and I need to talk."

Tony, Tim, and Jimmy shared looks. They didn't like the sound of that.

* * *

**AN:** Wowza! I can't believe this little ficlet has gotten as much attention as it has! Thank you! And up next, the punishment! :evil laughter:


	3. Chapter 3

"Good morning, boys," Ziva chirped as she entered the bullpen the following morning. "My, you all look nice today."

Abby was already there, leaning back against Gibbs' empty desk with her arms crossed in front of her. She gave Ziva a smirk. "I was just telling them the same exact thing!"

Tony looked up at the women, glowering. "I hate you both."

"It's your own fault," Tim said.

"No one asked your opinion, Probie!" he snapped back. "And stop taking sides!"

"I'm not taking sides; just stating the obvious."

Jimmy was standing off to the side, his face slightly red. "I thought panty raids were supposed to be fun."

Tony shot him a sour glare. "They are fun, Palmer."

"Yeah," Tim said sarcastically, "just as long as you don't do them with Tony the Klutz!"

"Ah, there you are Mr. Palmer!" Ducky said as he entered the squad room. "I was wondering if you were going to be in…" The M.E. trailed off as he assessed the scene. "Is this some new fashion craze?"

Jimmy was dressed in his green scrubs as usual, but now he had the addition of pink, frilly, ladies underwear which he was wearing over his scrubs. Over his jeans, Tim sported a pair of silk, red panties with tiny black bows sewn onto the waist band and leg holes. And finally, Tony had a pair of lacy, purple underwear on over his slacks. Worse, the senior agent also had a matching lace push-up bra strapped across his chest. It looked as though toilet paper had been stuffed into the bra cups to fill them out even more.

None of them men looked particularly happy, nor did they look particularly comfortable.

"I think they're trying to start a new fad, Ducky," Abby said.

"Ah! Well, I applaud your courage, boys!" he said. It was evident that he was trying to keep a smile off his face. "Mr. Palmer, shall we get down to autopsy?"

Jimmy looked positively relieved by the suggestion. "Yes, Dr. Mallard!"

"Don't worry, Palmer!" Abby called as he walked off. "We got some nice pictures of you in your pretty panties!"

"This is humiliating," Tony grumbled as he scratched at his bra-clad torso. "And it's itchy!"

"You boys were the ones who were so anxious to get to our underwear," Ziva commented.

"Why do _I_ have to wear the bra!?"

"Because it was your idea, Tony," Abby said, "And that deserved an extra punishment."

He was only half-listening as he arched and rolled his back in an attempt to scratch it. "Don't know how you guys wear these each day. It took me ten minutes to get it on."

"Hopefully, you have learned your lesson."

"I have," he said. "I learned to be careful of open caskets."

Tim gave the man an amused smile. "You know, Tony, lab rats usually learn not to touch the electrified cheese after the first failed attempt."

"And the smart ones figured out how to unhook the electrodes and walk away with the prize, McGeek."

"Speaking of lab rats," Abby said, "I need to get back down to mine. Take lots of pictures," she commanded to Ziva. "And tell me any funny stories."

"Oh, I promise," she said as she eyed the two men in amusement. "In fact, what was that website you boys talk about? Whotube?"

"Youtube," Abby said.

"Yes! I think this could make for a nice video, yes? A warning video to any presumptuous men who are planning their own panty raids?"

"Oh! Or it could be a suggested retaliation to any girls who are the victims of panty raids!"

As the two women discussed the possibilities for their YouTube video, Tim gave a side-long glance to the simmering older agent. "Told you it was a bad idea, Tony."

"Shut up, McGee."

* * *

**The End!**

Thank you to all of my readers and reviewers! You guys rock!


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